It’s 3:45am and I’m sitting here in the Miami airport in and out of napping while the sound of the floor sweeper – ran by a man who looks exactly like my Grandpa Smith – hummmms! I’m reminded of something my hot yoga class instructor said recently as I am sitting here waiting on a flight ”It takes courage to feel through discomfort.”
What are my discomforts? Smiling I realized I’d rather ask what my discomforts were because I don’t have any at this point in my life. Except for the obvious ones caused by my celiac disease if I eat gluten or if dairy hits my mouth.
See I’ve spent most of my life with the discomforts of abuse on many levels. I’ve spent a lifetime it seems running to or away from what I thought was love only to realize that whatever relationship I was in was misguided and orchestrated by fear. Or simply that the one I was with would eventually be the person I needed them to be. To no avail of course.
Always searching to find my final destination, take a breath and feel like I had made it. That at last where my heart would migrate had to be the place I was supposed to be, and then after time I’d be so uncomfortable that there was no explanation and all I knew was that I was wrong again.
Thankfully God has a way of blessing our lives in spite of decisions we’ve made to control our lives. I’ve been blessed time and again as I’ve walked through the fog of ended relationships and the occasional “bad call.”
Maybe we are blessed even when we divert from our path because if we weren’t we’d simply give up all together and sit in the corner of the abandoned airport, sleeping on the cardboard box that is now a makeshift bed for this homeless man I’m sitting by? And why do I think that’s giving up per say? This man may be completely content and secure with where he is. After all I’m pretty certain he doesn’t have to pay property tax for his residence nor does he have to feel uncomfortable that nothings open in this terminal with a desperate need for coffee!
So bringing us back to discomforts. They are relative to where we are in life.
In my searching and my inability to give up on something as intensely important as love I have for many, many years powered through my discomforts of feeling extremely unattached to the one I was with while I kept thinking someday the one that I’d finally feel so beautifully attached to was out there.
Laying in my bed night after night coaxed into a trance by the ceiling fan and thinking… “He’s out there, I feel it, I know it, Stephanie have faith in timing and know that the discomfort of not knowing when or where will subside.”
Feeling through my personal discomforts has given me a strength that unless you’ve experienced it you may not understand. All the unanswered questions, tears and anger at feeling like I must have drawn the short straw when it came to love finally did what my soul was trying to promise me would happen. I found love, love found me and when I realized it was myself that I was learning to love, then love even found me in the form a man who when I look into his eyes I see a pure, gorgeous ocean of calm. Because if it’s right you can see yourself looking back at you from their eyes and what you see doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable. It makes you understand that although life throws many things at us, big and small, discomfort is temporary and your definitions of what is really a discomfort changes.
Grandpa is done with the floor sweeper, homeless man turns over from his peaceful slumber and smiles at me through his matted beard and the coffee shop has opened. Timing right? Because all things truly do come to those who wait.
Delays are probably just spaces of time we are supposed to gather courage, take a breath and watch the world.